Not Looking Back– a short story

I have no idea how this works. I have no idea what to say or how to say it.. i don’t even know if I even EXIST in his mind. What am I doing! Shut UP Lain! Lainie fought the urge to completely bow to her ever looming emotions as she listened to Ben tell about his stressful day from across the table.

Realizing she had been in a daze just looking at him, she quickly took a long gulp of her latte and pretended to look passed him out the window.

“Lain, are you even listening to me?” Ben asked. “I feel like you have been somewhere else for the past 10 minutes. What is so interesting?” Ben quickly twisted his body around to follow her gaze.

Just you. Lainie said in her head.

“Nothing. Some guy with a crazy hat walked by,” she said as she took another long swallow of heated foam.

Ben looked at her with an interrogating stare, looked one last time out the window, and continued his story again.

Oh, God, this is awful! How in the world am I going to live through this? My heart feels like it’s in a million knots. Why did my boss think it was a great idea to put us together on project? Thanks Rich! Lainie felt like she couldn’t take it anymore and their proposal deadline wasn’t for another two weeks.

“Lainie is there something on your mind?” Ben asked. “You seemed like you wanted to say something, and I wanted to clear the air before we get started.”

“No. I’m okay. Can we just get started?” Lainie shuffled through her bag and pulled out her portfolio.

“No? Really? I know this is kind of crazy and weird. I feel it too, ya know. You don’t have to pretend.”

What? Am I really hearing him right? Lainie, snap OUT of it seriously! 

“I am not trying to hide anything. I mean of course it’s awkward, but I was just hoping to push past that,” Lainie, trying desperately to steer the conversation to professional interests, handed over a few sketches for a PR design.

Ben ignored the sketches as he tried to read her thoughts, “It wasn’t my plan. I didn’t go into it knowing that would happen.”

Lainie stopped moving as she felt her entire body go numb.

She thought of this moment a hundred times, and now finally the words in her head were coming out of her mouth.

“What is ‘it’ exactly? Me personally or our so called ‘relationship’? Seriously Ben? I hope you didn’t go into it knowing that you would cheat on me with my best friend. I hope you two are very happy together. I hope that the depths of your cold hearts are satisfying some preverbal sweet tea you have going on. Not only that but you invited me to the stupid wedding! THE WEDDING, that was supposed to be ours!”

“I felt horrible, Lain I really did. Please, can you forgive me? Can we start over…”

“Oh, I forgive you, but that doesn’t mean I trust you or want you in my life,” Lainie said packing up her things into her bag. “I’ll call Rich right now and tell him to move me to another architect.”

She stood to walk away as Ben stood up to stop her.

“Lainie don’t…”

She didn’t even hear what else he had to say. Tears were starting to cloud her vision. She didn’t even see him run out after her without looking for vehicles. She didn’t see the accident, all she could see was a ring. Gold in color. Resting on a left hand that wasn’t holding hers.

 

God has a plan

It has been amazing to me in the past couple days about how God really does have a plan for our lives. I have always known this, but it is one thing as a Christian you always seem to forget and sometimes very quickly. 

For me fear and anxiety creep in and I forget why I am in the place that I am. This year has been extremely difficult in finding that I am at my current location for a reason. God really has brought me to this place by his divine purpose for my life.

Most of the time it has been extremly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s hard having to basically start over each semester or year with friends and jobs and just activities all together. Every year has presented new challenges that push me farther into the plan that God has created for me in such an amazing way.

I have to admit that it is very hard for me to embrace these new challenges. Getting by day by day is hard and painful at times. It is really hard to hold onto the grace of God and continue to walk into a hurricane when 60mph winds are pushing you back, but when you experience the eye of the storm and the warmth of Jesus’s arms it is all worth it. Through it all whatever happens I know he is holding me. Despite the setbacks and failures and the times when I want to give up, I feel his arms around me holding me up, through the tears and the pain, encouraging me to push on.

More times than others I fall to my knees in exhaustion and defeat trying to just see through the rain to where  need to be. I cry out in frustration not knowing if he is still by my side. 

The problem is so many times I simply forget to look. I forget to ask. I forget to feel if he is still there because I take his arms for granted. I let the storm distract me from the very thing that can save me from it. 

Feel him. Know him. Love him. Don’t forget him. Hold on to the one who never lets go.

We are a ship

“A ship in port is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.” Grace Murray Hopper

–in the same way a Christian in “port” of their comfort zone is safe but THAT’S NOT what Christians were made for. I have really been learning lately that we as christians are NOT meant to be comfortable. A lot of times we think that because we love Jesus that that is the only thing left to do, but we forget the very identity of a Christian- to be Christ like. 

I have found that in so many ways I fail at this very concept. I tend to not live like I was designed. John 10:10 says:

“The theif comes to steal and to kill and to destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it to the full.”

I have really been contemplating what that actually means. In the quote stated above I found that it had the same general theme as the verse in John. It states that there is a way to be who you were called to be and to have it in the most abundant way. So many times I forget that I am not the one who can create a life worth living. I cannot be the one who decides what I do and where I go, my life would be one big mess if that was the case. I find that I think I am the one that has it all together or has all the pieces to complete the puzzle. But I don’t. I have to look to the one who can steer me in the right direction. 

Like the ship I cannot be moved without a captain. We have to have a captain in order to make our ships move. So read the quote again:

“A ship in port is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.” Grace Murray Hopper. 

We were built to have a captain to sail across the seas and waters of our lives, to thrive on the open sea, but not just as a ship, but as a ship with a crew and a captain. Without both of these things we would fail to function as a ship. Jesus is our captain and our brothers and sisters in Christ pouring their lives out for us everyday are our crew helping us sail in the right direction: where the captain is steering. 

And I don’t know about you, but I was built to sail and see the world.