Well, I did it.
Did what you ask: I traveled alone. Yep. I, Lauren Johnson, finally took a vacation completely solo and wondered the entire time: “Why I have never done this before?”
The biggest hesitation with writing this post is I feel words may not actually be able to convey my thoughts and feelings on this subject. However, I will do the best I can anyways. Look for follow up posts for better articulation. 🙂
The ability to go to the beach with no agenda, no one to cater to, and no expectations was just glorious. I can’t even describe how it felt to just focus on myself and relax.
Sounds kind of funny and selfish, but in reality I think it is one of the best things that you can do for yourself. It is so healthy to sit and ask yourself how you are feeling, or what you want to do. In normal life there is so much distracting us that it is hard to get outside of yourself and practice some mental health principles that really do matter.
As the introvert that I am, I rarely get the time I need to just recharge by myself through the busyness of working and routine. I may get an hour here or there, but a whole weekend to just completely be in solitude was just what the doctor ordered.
Other than that, I really discovered a lot about myself and life. I am an anomaly in some of this because I love doing things alone. Like eating. I LOVE enjoying food without having to speak so I can just experience the meal.
I digress.
I love living life in community, I really do, and I think it’s important. BUT I realized during my trip that doing life and living are completely different. Doing life requires others, but you have to live completely individually. No one can take a breath for you. No one can tell you how to feel about a situation. No one can determine what you like and don’t like. We have to LIVE individually in order to do LIFE with others. If we don’t know how to actually live with ourselves, how can we truly experience life with others?
I noticed my expectation of others was at an all time low when I was travelling alone. I wasn’t focused on how in a hurry I was, or how I expected others to act, I could just react and anticipate with my own intuitions. I wasn’t worried about how I was being perceived to the person dining with me, as well as to my server, I was just me. I think not knowing how to live creates a lot of disappointment because you are constantly relying on others to give you cues or determine how you should feel or be, and that is too great a burden for any other person or  community to bear.
Since we do sometimes rely so much on others, we also tend to wait on them to live. We adopt the internal statement, “When I ____ then I will…” We wait to do things that would truly make us alive.
When you discover that you can live life to the fullest now, without waiting on other people, you discover just how much life you are actually missing, and become blown away by realizing how much you are actually worth, as you are. You begin to see the value that your creator instills in you, and live out that value in all that you do. I found coming back it actually made me more patient with others, because I wasn’t looking to them to determine my worth.
Yes, there are always concerns. I almost backed out several times because I was anxious about driving, and not sure how my anxiety would treat me the whole time. Safety is also the other thing people always point out, but you know what, I would rather take a slight risk, because anything can happen anywhere, and experience the life I felt then sit at home on the couch doing nothing or cripple in fear.
Another thing people say is, “Wow, good for you, but I could never do that.” How do you know? Have you done it? Have you tried? Just do it. Just try. Just take a step forward and see what happens. It’s not a big deal. If you go and make it one night, that’s a victory. You might enjoy it more than you thought. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable at first, but honestly it’s the anticipation that makes it uncomfortable. Once you start thinking a little differently on the journey it gets easier and easier. Ask the Lord what you should do and follow his lead. It’s not about being complicated, it’s simply about going. (More on this in another post.)
And with that said, I think that is the biggest thing I realized. Fear is a lie. I don’t want to spend a moment of my life afraid of the word MIGHT. If we dwell on what MIGHT happen, we miss what actually IS happening most of the time. Take it from a girl with agoraphobia. I have spent too much of my life already, worrying about what might happen, missing the life that I could experience right in front of my face. To quote a movie I am fond of, “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
Don’t get me wrong I am still continuing to work on all of this myself, and praying through how to continue to live in that continuous feeling of knowing myself. However, I now know that it can be done, and I am excited for the opportunity when I can log another chapter of riding solo.
Learning as I go Along... 